Can’t Trust Minnesotans

There are two things I can’t stand: people who are intolerant of other people, and Minnesotans.  Heading into this Sunday’s showdown at Mall of America Field, I’m reminded that I’m going to have to endure about 50 cut-away camera shots of this a-hole in his fur vest and beard blowing on a horn.

I’ve made no secret of my distaste for Vikings fans and their eating habits over the years, but as I prepare mentally for what I think we all hope will, mercifully, be the final match-up between Favre and his former team, I realize that it’s not just Vikings fans that get under my skin – it’s really all Minnesotans.  They’re just so… different from Wisconsinites.

Now, I need to disclose that I’m actually one-quarter Minnesotan – my grandparents on my mom’s side are from Long Prairie, MN.  So I’m not being prejudiced when I say that Minnesotans are, by and large, conceited back-stabbers.  Really, I’m just speaking from experience.  I mean, after all, who hasn’t had a Minnesotan talk down to them?  Once, I was in the Minneapolis airport and a woman at a fast-food restaurant told me to “have a nice day.”  I know what she was really saying – “F*#k off, cheesehead!”

What is it with Minnesotans?  They’re always like that.  They act all friendly with their smiles and their enthusiastic “oh, yahs!”  But underneath they’d just as soon kick you in the balls as look at you.  They’re so devious, with their ostentatious Volvo station wagons and their holier-than-thou Lutheranism.  I don’t want to sound Norsist or anything, but everyone knows that you can’t trust Scandinavians – particularly ones who wear fake blond ponytails.

Ready to tailgate like it's 1999?

When you reflect on it, what has the “Land of 10,000 Lakes” (a dubious claim, by the way – there are definitely some ponds included in that count) ever done for the rest of the country besides skew our obesity statistics?  No one ever talks about listening to some sweet “Minnesota Blues” music, or enjoying some “Minneapolis-style” spare ribs.  The only worthwhile cultural contribution to come out of the entire state is Prince – and that’s just because of his urban rhythms and raw masculinity.  He’s also, apparently, a big Vikings fan.  Here he is sporting his typical Viking purple tailgate attire.  "Purple Rain?"  We all know what he was talking about.  He even had a Viking horn designed into his name when he was in his "the Artist Formerly Known as..." phase.

We see your subliminal Viking horn, Prince!

I mean, what kind of state elects a former pro wrestler as governor?  Don’t they know pro wrestling is fake?  Weren’t they worried he would fake being governor as well?  Do they care?  Does it matter?  What decisions does the Minnesota governor need to make anyway, besides when to put the storm windows on the governor’s mansion and what type of fried food to serve in the cafeteria.  Why would anyone want to elect a shallow, body-building celebrity as their leader?  Twice.  It’s typical of the duplicitous nature of Minnesotans though.  They’re all flannel shirts and polar fleece on the outside, but pink jackets and yellow boas on the inside.

Jesse "the Governor" Ventura 

You don’t think every Viking fan at that game Sunday is going to be plotting who the next Packer they steal is?  First, it was Darren Sharper.  Then it was Ryan Longwell.  And then, of course, Favre.  Zigi Wolf has never met a former Packer he didn’t sign.  (And what’s with the name “Zigi” anyway?  Unless your last name is “Marley” you’ve got to change that.)  Here, unveiled for the first time at TriggPack, is proof of the conniving nature of Minnesotans – annoying vest guy imploring Favre, when he was a Packer, to join the purple and yellow.  Who’s the next Packer who will succumb to their brainwashing?

Maybe after this game and this season Favre will finally retire, and the blood feud between our states can at least return to the pre-2008 level.  But until then, I’ll remain vigilant in preserving the purity of Packer nation against this menace to the West.