Allegiances of Our Offspring

As a father of two young boys, the sports allegiances of my children is a topic upon which I've spent quite a bit of thought.  Living in the San Francisco Bay Area, my kids have naturally developed early loyalties for local teams -- the San Jose Earthquakes for soccer, the San Francisco Giants to the extent they care about baseball (which is minimal), the Golden State Warriors and/or Los Angeles Lakers for basketball (though more often the latter since the former is so consistently underwhelming), and Cal for college football.  That's all fine.  I'm not a big enough Brewers or Bucks fan to care.

However, as a native Wisconsinite living in California, professional football is the one area I cannot afford to passively sit back and allow geographic proximity to determine their fan loyalty.  Fortunately, both my boys have been natural Packers fans from their earliest days -- as evidenced by this triumphant presentation of Clay Matthews' rookie card by my youngest.  I'm a proud dad.  But, let's face it, it's obvious where this kind of fan devotion comes from.  What possibly could have turned a couple of California kids into Packer fans?  What influences are they exposed to that would steer them that way?  It's not from their friends, who mostly like other teams.  It's not from attending the games (though both will go to their first game at Lambeau in two weeks).  It's not because they see Packer paraphernalia at every Shopko and Copps in town.  No, there's only one un-deniable influence that has clearly shaped their allegiance to the Packers: the LIBERAL MEDIA!!!

Although I might be pleased with the outcome, I'm sick of bureaucrats in Washington DC telling my children who they should root for on Sundays.  This conspiracy has reached the highest levels of the sports media establishment.  The Packers are veritable media darlings.  Commentators from Fox to CBS slather praise on Green Bay.  Sports Illustrated puts Aaron Rodgers on the cover.  ESPN has 7 of 7 analysts predicting the Packers will go to the Super Bowl.  Are we supposed to believe these things are coincidences!?  There's no telling how far this thing goes.

Imagery of Packers on kids' bikes like this one perpetuate a left-wing stereotype that Green Bay is a wholesome, Norman Rockwell-esque small town to be emulated.  Subtly, subliminally, big media is shoving the Packers down America's collective throats!  Our kids are losing their own free will.  Sure, I might not mind it when this communist media machine is cranking out Packers fans.  But what happens when they point their hype-meisters and spin doctors at another team!?  What if they started brainwashing our kids into rooting for the Dallas Cowboys?  Or the Chicago Bears?  Or, heaven forbid, the Minnesota Vikings!?

If we don't fight this big media conspiracy now, it will be too late.  A nation of Vikings fans is a risk we can't afford to take.  That is why I, for one, am taking the establishment head-on by indoctrinating my kids early and often with good old-fashioned football values.  I'm not going to let the liberal media decide my kids' football loyalties... I'm going to decide their football loyalties!  There is no Packers jersey I won't buy.  There is no green and gold accoutrement I won't acquire.  There is no cheese-shaped foam object I won't don.  I won't rest until I'm certain that the depth of my childrens' loyalty to the Packers can endure the here-today-gone-tomorrow vagaries of the media establishment.  I hope you do the same.