Monday, December 13, 2010

Metrodome Takes Cue from Vikings: Implodes Dramatically

At some point if you’re Zygi Wilf, you’ve got to ask, “WTF?!?”  After ending last season one pass away from the Super Bowl, the sequence of events this season must boggle the mind of the Minnesota Vikings’ owner.  Unless he deliberately sabotaged the roof at Mall of America Field himself as part of a twisted strategy to get a new stadium deal, the collapse of the Metrodome has to feel like the final punctuation mark on a bizarre year.  As a Packers fan, the video of the Metrodome imploding was really a joy to watch.  I just wish that dude with the horn was in it while it happened.

Finding little humor in the Packers today, I will instead once again draw on the Minnesota Vikings as my comedic muse.  It occurred to me this morning the full parallels between the Metrodome’s implosion and the Vikings’ implosion (be sure to watch the video first!).  So let me paint the complete metaphor for you:

Metrodome Event: Zygi Wilf explains that the existing stadium is old and decrepit and he wants to build a new one, but instead the team plays another year at the Metrodome.
Vikings Event: Brett Favre explains that he’s old and decrepit, but instead they decide to play him as starting quarterback for one more year.

Metrodome Event: Questions arise about the structural integrity of the roof as leaks begin under a 17-inch blanket of snow. 
Vikings Event: Questions arise about the structural integrity of Sidney Rice’s hip as he elects to get surgery at the start of the 2010 season, rather than the end of the 2009 season.

Metrodome Event: Maintenance crews reach for the buckets to catch the drips, but soon realize it is futile.
Vikings Event: Percy Harvin reaches for the Tylenol, but soon realizes he suffers from crippling migraines that cause him to miss multiple games.

Metrodome Event: Roof starts to sag in a threatening manner.
Vikings Event: Team starts to sag in a manner threatening to their playoff chances, beginning the season 2-5.

Metrodome Event: In a last-ditch effort to save the roof, the Metrodome maintenance chief tells his crew to “Get out your shovels, this is going to be a fun ride!”
Vikings Event: In a last-ditch effort to save the season, Vikings trade a third-round draft pick to the Patriots for Randy Moss who triumphantly calls Vikings fans to “Pull your 84 jerseys out, man.  This is going to be a fun ride!"

Metrodome Event: Having been suppressed for hours, the roof finally breaks sending a cascade of snow into the stadium.
Vikings Event: Having been suppressed for years, the story of Brett Favre’s sexual harassment of Jenn Sterger finally breaks sending a cascade of tabloid media into Eden Prairie.

Metrodome Event: The ceiling drops speakers and other A/V equipment indiscriminately onto the field below.
Vikings Event: Brad Childress drops Randy Moss indiscriminately without consulting Zygi in an apparent decision the team doesn’t need future draft picks.

Metrodome Event: Another massive avalanche of snow pours in through the open breach in the roof.  All hope of preventing a collapse is lost.
Vikings Event: Vikings wilt under a massive avalanche of the Packers defense, causing Zygi to fire Childress.  All hope of a playoff berth is lost.

Metrodome Event: The team must frantically negotiate a new venue for their game against the Giants, which ultimately results in relocating to another city, Detroit, that is largely indifferent to the Vikings.
Vikings Event: The team frantically negotiates with the city for a new stadium deal, which could ultimately result in them relocating to another city, possibly Los Angeles, that is largely indifferent to the Vikings and the NFL, period.

Metrodome Event: A giant crater is left in the center of downtown Minneapolis as the community contemplates the clean-up.
Vikings Event: A giant crater is left in the Vikings organization as they contemplate their vacant coaching position, lack of a stadium, geriatric roster and wanton recklessness with future draft picks.

It would be a miracle if Favre manages to play tonight, continuing his NFL-record starts streak at 297 games, but it really doesn’t matter at this point.  The season is lost.  And even a win against the Giants will be bittersweet for Vikings fans, since it will help the Packers’ playoff chances.

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