Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Jerry Jones Insists Cowboys in Super Bowl

Dallas owner Jerry Jones made an unexpected appearance at media day today insisting that the Cowboys would be playing in Sunday’s Super Bowl.  After an uncomfortable pause, members of the press hoped that Cowboys’ PR manager Brett Daniels would inform Mr. Jones of his mistake, but, unwilling to face the wrath of his boss, he stayed on the podium for over an hour answering his own questions.

“Do I think the Cowboys are really America’s team?  Absolutely!” said a confident Mr. Jones in his endearing Southern drawl.  “What other team, what other city, exemplifies the American way of life better than Dallas?  How ‘bout them Cowboys!?”

When Sports Illustrated football columnist Peter King finally had the courage to break the awkward silence by pointing out that the Cowboys not only weren’t in the Super Bowl but hadn’t even made the playoffs, Jones went on a tirade.

Jerry's World: Cowboys in the Super Bowl and everyone drinking Pepsi Max.
“Of course we’re in the playoffs!  Of course we’re in the Super Bowl!  You think I’d go and spend $1.15 billion on a stadium, ask the good citizens of Arlington to jack up their sales tax by 0.5 percent, impose a hotel occupancy tax of 2 percent, and tax car rentals by 5 percent just so we can sit back on the barcaloungers in my luxury sky box and watch some small market team like the Packers play for a championship on our home turf!?”

Cricket chirping...

After nearly 90 minutes of berating the press corps, Mr. Jones finally stepped down from the podium with the parting comment, “Remember, I’m Jerry Jones, and I’m a winner, and I always drink Pepsi Max!”


  1. "Just to watch some small market team like the Packers?" Of course, the Packers are a small market (in terms of hometown population) football team. The way Jones says that is almost like "some second rate team in MY first class stadium." Jerry Jones has alot of money and owns the Dallas Cowboys. This is perhaps a prime example of why money does not equal class nor wisdom. No team is "America's Team" because each city has a right to be proud of their own team. If logic is involved in hypothetically selecting an "America's Team" it would be the Green Bay Packers. They do their talking on the field and nobody in the organization needs a 1.4 billion dollar stadium built large enough to represent their self-aggrandized ego. Jerry doesn't give a rip about the "good citizens of Arlington" except as a vehicle to present his narcissistic needs and to provide money for his monument to himself. Jerry Jones is the Enron of football--all about the money, the power, and the attention. If Jerry Jones were bright enough he'd find his attention-seeking embarassing. He's a Pepsi drinking huckster who has to remind people he's "a winner." I don't think winners have to do that. I feel badly that Tony Romo, a Wisconsin native, is playing for such a shallow, self-obssessed person. Who is Jerry Jones that he feels he has the right to berate anyone for 90 minutes? His time would be better spent on "the couch."
    Bill RPh

  2. I agree with everything you say, Bill RPh. But, just to be clear, this article is satirical.